Detach with Love: Letting Go of Control (You Never Had It Anyway)

Recovery Allies - Detach with Love - Letting Go of Outcomes - Substance Abuse Disorder, Addiction, Intervention, Sober Transport, Sober Companion, Mentroing, Alcoholism

Substance use disorder and mental health challenges are vast and vexing issues to many with a loved one caught in their throes. Over time, it is extremely common for those supporting someone in active addiction to begin adapting to their patterns and creating “solutions” for the challenges their dilemma presents.

An example: The partner of an alcoholic wakes them up every morning to make sure they aren’t late for work. But over time, as the alcoholism takes deeper hold, the non-addicted partner may go from trying to prepare them for work to calling in sick for them, giving excuses for their behavior, and generally trying to put the best face on their addiction.

In the past this behavior was referred to as “enabling” but we now use the term “adapting”, which doesn’t cast blame. There are seemingly logical reasons that someone who supports another suffering from substance abuse disorder would try to adapt to their patterns to simply get through another day without a catastrophe occurring. They may feel that their efforts are in the “best interest of everyone” as their daily interventions keep themselves and the others affected by the addicted party from experiencing more dire consequences.

Unfortunately, this interventionist behavior does not solve anything long-term. Because the person in active addiction does not experience the logical consequences of their actions, they are not incentivized to change and, far worse, may feel emboldened to continue pushing the boundaries of acceptable behavior.

And this is where the title of our blog, Detach with Love, comes in. What does it mean to detach with love? Essentially, it means we permit those suffering from substance abuse disorder to experience the logical consequences of their actions. Allowing the substance abuser to learn from their mistakes is not easy and can sometimes create short-term instability. Someone who’s been “adapted” to for a long period can get quite upset when their addiction is no longer being preserved by the people closest to them.

Rather than call in sick for the substance abuser, their partner allows the natural course of events to unfold, regardless of the outcome. If their partner is fired for their misbehavior, it is an opportunity for the addicted party to take stock and decide whether their pattern is worth continuing. And the affects it has on their home life and partner are also logical consequences that they can learn from.

It is important to note that detaching with love is not the same as “tough love”. Tough love is stringent, black and white, and lays out strong consequences for the failure to meet expectations (i.e., “I will kick you out if you use ever again”). Detaching with love allows more flexibility and simply less harsh. By allowing our loved ones to experience the natural consequences of their actions (or inaction), we allow them to learn and grow.

Detach with love also means releasing ourselves from controlling outcomes for others. Put simply, we cannot control the actions of others, no matter how close we are to them. We cannot make them make a choice to be healthy. Instead, by demonstrating a healthy detachment from their addiction and behavior, we signal to the addicted party that we will not be made responsible for their actions and will embolden their behavior, even if we are affected by it.

Detach with love, put simply, releases those affected by addiction from any implied responsibility to preserve and hide the addiction. It puts the focus directly on those suffering from substance abuse disorder and their actions.

Detach with Love: Letting Go of Control (You Never Had It Anyway)

Further reading about loving detachment:

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